"I wish you grew up hearing how great you are" - good friend
Starting at some point in my early years, my heart was pulled toward other broken hearts and wounded souls. I felt a strong need to reach out and show compassion & understanding. Perhaps if I shared my vulnerability, joy and pain, we could be stronger together... form a connection... heal together.
That mentality proved to be harmful. There would be glimpses of hope and unity... only to have the walls go higher, sometimes on both sides.
When being vulnerable and sharing my true self is not well received, or appears not to, it feel's like I am walking around naked and everyone has their camera's out ready to post my broken image online for the world to see. It's super scary when I'm hurting most as I have few defense mechanisms in place to deflect the stares.
Vulnerability between two open hearts however is an amazing experience and invokes wonderful feelings of connection and the opportunity for healing. How do you know who you can be vulnerable with until you actually try? It's all a gamble really. Sometimes I've won and many times I've lost. The wins have far outweighed the losses in terms of reward.
When I start to lose faith that there are trustworthy, open & real people out there seeking similar connections, I crawl into a cave and have a hard time seeing any light. My priority in life is having strong connections with people and when I start to sink, I find I reach out to people who can't support me in that moment or I retreat to my hole in the wall until I recover enough to emerge and try again. During those times, I spend far too much time wondering what is wrong with me and why I can't just care about shopping or getting my nails done or whatever it seems mainstream society does to stay distracted from feelings.
I crave real connections with people. Yet I love being alone too. Balance is required.
I covet the extended families & friends who talk and support each other in the good times and the bad, who really love each other and move mountains to spend time together instead of making excuses of why they are busy. I think I don't have that (yet) because I have more lessons to learn and growing to do.
It never fails when a crisis unfolds, people suddenly band together and you will often hear "why didn't we connect sooner?". The flood in my city years ago was a perfect example of crisis turned to connection. When we went out to help sandbag, many neighbors met for the first time and there was so much camaraderie my eyes were misty with joy for all of those people! I often wonder if any of them maintained a connection after the fact or if they got "busy"?
Busy is bullshit and everyone knows it. It's all about choices, always. We base our excuses on our priorities so maybe it's high time to start telling people the truth "I have other priorities and you aren't one of them " or "I don't like spending time with you"....guess we all know why people use excuses.... :)
The times I fall into a victim mentality are the most dangerous and I've realized that each and every one of us lives our lives based on choices. Those who refuse to take responsibility for their choices use excuses in order to stay stuck. Sometimes life kicks us hard enough to make a change, sometimes we have to keep taking beatings and may never learn that we have choices on how we want our lives to unfold. Things happen in life that we cannot control and it can often flip our priorities upside down. If I don't learn the lessons the universe has set out for me, no matter what comes my way, I will be stuck until I change my thoughts. I do my best to embrace each day as if it were my last or the last of my loved ones. I am aware how fast life can change and how little control I have over any of it. The only thing I can control is my thoughts and reactions. I hope I continue to grow and find a way to stay out of the wall.
We all hurt, we all have a story to tell, we all matter. #letsdoittogether
“There are two different kinds of people in the world. There are people who instinctively look for every chance to be a “victim” and those who look for every chance to rise above—regardless of where they are in life and what’s happening around them. There are people who realize their ability to create (greatly influence) reality toward a positive direction for themselves and those around them, and unfortunately those who use this power we all have for destructive purposes for themselves and others—many times without even knowing what they’re doing or the power they have inside themselves. We are all powerful individuals. Let’s use that power to create something beautiful!”
― Christopher Hawke